Our mothers and grandmothers are our first and most important inspirations. They taught me first to be daring and creative and to follow my own unique path. They are the everyday example of what it takes to be a woman in the world.
Here are other amazing women that I look to for inspiration in what it takes to be a woman in music:
How come every time I think about writing a music post it turns into a confession?
I’m feeling pretty guilty about the way things are progressing. People are asking me, “when’s your next show?” and I’m telling them I don’t know. But I have other dreams too, you know. Not just music. I have the reasons why I wanted to play music in the first place; not to be famous rolling in riches but to simply be communicating with others lost or unrealized ideas. I find myself searching for other ways to do this aside from music now…
Plus, let’s be honest, music isn’t making me any money right now and here I am, almost 26, living hand to mouth. Maybe I should be refocusing my efforts on more money-making endeavors, or my “back-up plan”. Ugh, I truly have come to hate that phrase, I almost can’t believe I wrote it. It sets me up for failure in whatever I’m attempting to back-up.
With that said, I miss my music playing… Little things like tooling around with one chord to see what I can make with it. Privately playing a three chord repeat and singing whatever comes to mind. I’m not brave enough to put up one of those recordings so for now this one will have to do:
I HAVE A SHOW TONIGHT!
And, no big deal, it’s at the House of Blues…!
I feel so much more prepared for this one than ever, which is funny because it’s the one that should make me most nervous. House of Friggin’ Blues, baby!
I’m burning demos, halfway through my set list, and the ever important question of “what to wear” has been answered. I’ve got a new, kickass guitar. And I’ve got the biggest support system coming out to be there. I also updated my website with new pictures, a new layout, and my new demo songs!
I’m most excited about the fact that I have my demo, printed and ready to give out at my show. I very much needed to feel like I had a product to produce in time for this show. I didn’t want to come out looking unprofessional or small-time… though that’s pretty much what I am. Still, I am proud about my accomplishments and I think that’s primarily why I’m not “throw-up-I-wanna-die” nervous.
Plus, check out one of my badass covers that I’ll be playing tonight:
Yesterday, in preparation for my recording session, I drove two hours south to Carlsbad. I went down a two lane road to a little guitar shop called “Buffalo Brothers.”
You’d drive right past it if you didn’t know what you were looking for. I had already been there once before when I had bought my first “grownup” acoustic/electric over a year ago. The Larivee was the guitar that gave me my first show at The Central in Santa Monica. She gave me the courage to play loud on the porch. She let me take her 3,000 miles away from home. She made me realize I was good enough.
But now it was time to let her go. That’s right, Lady Larivee got traded in for a newer model.
As good as she was, we had many disagreements. But rather than play the blame game of who did what and she said she said, Suffice it to say that it was time we parted ways. I know that someday soon she will make another struggling musician both deliriously happy and frustrated at the same time.
Now on to the next relationship. Helloooo Taylor Model 416ce. You know I’ve always wanted to call you mine. You make me wanna pack up all my things and hit the road with just you in the passenger’s seat. Or maybe I’ll let you drive. First stop, Silverlake!
Oh, but I’ll remember you always, Larivee…
There’s something I must admit. On Thursday, I had a little show at Club Good Hurt. It was the first performance I’ve done since January… Seriously, that’s crazy, right? What have I been doing with myself for the past five friggin’ months?
I have no idea.
Um, this blog was meant to support and foster my music aspirations. And yet, in the week leading up to and the day following, I focused on everything but my music. It is interesting what fear and stress can do to a person’s dreams and goals.
I’m going to try to push on through anyway.
Thursday was awesome. About 30 of my friends/fans were there (the friends and fans are pretty much one in the same right now, which is how I like it). The sound guy kept flubbing my stuff but I think I rolled with the punches pretty well. I decided to not stress about it and while deciding to do something and actually following through are two separate things, I learned once more how unnecessary it is to stress (some things are just ever-repeating lessons). I borrowed a guitar from the main act and a strap from the one I followed. Seriously, most unprepared musician award goes to me. Or most resourceful/persuasive musician award… Yeah, let’s go with that.
But let’s address the fears. All I could think of when I was on stage was “STOP MESSING UP” and “YOU CAN’T DO BAR CHORDS.” But when the lights would stop seizing momentarily and the smoke machine would take a breath, I’d see the happy faces in the crowd of loved ones and relax.
People always ask me, “Don’t you get more nervous because it’s people you know?” I always say it’s the strangers who scare me. They don’t already have a first impression of me. They don’t know who I am and won’t be as forgiving as the people who care about me. I have to prove that I’m not just a girl who thinks she can pick up a guitar and sing about boys and people will think “isn’t she pretty?” I have to prove that I love music. And I love being about music. And I don’t just wanna be the next goddamn American Idol.
So I finally picked a recording place. He’s all the way in Silverlake… Oh, the sacrifices we must make for our craft! Really, though, this is big. This is me admitting that I can do this. This little thing is tangible and wonderful and exciting and all I need. As a friend once recalled to me the other day, “Shoot for the stars and you’ll land on the moon.” Well I like that idea too but I think I’m gonna shoot for the moon. And land there too.
Finally, after months away, I’m back! I started simple with a 1:30min clip. It has, after all, been a while.
I’m so grateful to all of the random fans, listeners, and friends, who encouraged me to come back, to not give up, and to keep posting songs for everyone to hear.
I’m especially and always grateful to the negative comments that have only served to reinforce why my message is so important. Music is a sharing of the subconscious, a revealing of truth. It can, in fact, be the truest form of communication. It can be a way to laugh at and heal ourselves. I love music and I love sharing it with people in all forms.